The biggest question that has been running through my heart the past few weeks is, "Am I contributing or contaminating this situation?!" Whether I am in a church setting teaching a group of children, having a conversation with friends, having a discussion with my family, or going about my daily routine- it's an asterisk in my thoughts to every interaction. Most importantly, I question myself in the relationships I have with my children. They are so impressionable and turn to me with so many situations and questions, they are eager to learn and genuinely seek my acceptance.
In his best-selling book,
Between Parent and Child, Dr. Haim G. Ginott wisely said,
"Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth."
As parents, we set the tone of the home. Let's say that again for the people in the back- as parents, we set the tone of the home. The tune that should be sung is a song of acceptance. It's one that is protective of feelings, not critical of behavior. As a stay-at-home mother, I will overhear conversations between my littlest ones and cringe a little... okay, sometimes a lot. Most often, their responses to each other are sweet, endearing, loving, and playful. However, every now and then a comment will sound like something I have said before out of anger, being short-fused, or in a sarcastic tone.
Dr. Ginott also counseled, "The rewards are great when parents make the effort to respond with care to their children, who hear the difference and learn to talk to their parents the same way."
There will absolutely be times that as parents our patience is tested and we feel backed into a corner. But as parents, it's our responsibility to have responses that will change moods and hearts. Dr. Ginott gave seven great suggestions that have resonated with me for setting and resetting the tone in our homes.
1. THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM IS LISTENING
+ Keep an open heart and an open mind.
+ Acknowledging is not agreeing.
2. DO NOT DENY YOUR CHILD'S PERCEPTIONS
+ Do not argue, acknowledge.
3. INSTEAD OF CRITICISM, USE GUIDANCE
+ State problem & possible solution.
4. WHEN ANGRY, DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE & FEEL
+ "I am", "I feel", "I see"
5. IN PRAISING, DESCRIBE THE SPECIFIC ACTS YOU NOTICE
+ Do not evaluate character traits.
6. LEARN TO SAY "NO" IN A LESS HURTFUL WAY BY GRANTING IN FANTASY WHAT YOU CAN'T GRANT IN REALITY
+ Needs vs. wants
7. GIVE CHILDREN A CHOICE & A VOICE IN MATTERS THAT AFFECT THEIR LIVES
+ Share control and give choices
While most parents have their children's best interests at heart, it can be very overwhelming when studying parenting do's and don'ts, styles, techniques, methods, and patterns. It has almost made my head spin off! There is so much information, ideas, books, articles, blogs, quotes, and such to try to implement in your life. But no fear, Arbinger Company created the Parenting Pyramind as a simple tool to add to your parenting tool belt! It's a quick, easy-to-read guide breaking down teaching for parents with a natural, loving approach.
Here’s a breakdown of what the pyramid teaches us:
1. Although correction is a part of parenthood, IT IS THE SMALLEST PART.
2. The key to effective correction is effective teaching.
3. The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.
4. The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship.
5. The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.
I love this visual because it is easy to see that each part of parenting is built on who we are as individuals. Instead of trying to follow a perfect parenting guild, we can truly just do our best to be the best individual we possibly can and that is enough! Our example and love will shine through our relationships and choices. And just as Dr. Haim Ginott promised, our "children will learn what they experience". It's no coincidence that the first four levels of the pyramid are focused on helping things go right in parenting, and only the last level is focused on correcting. Wherever the problem lies within parenting, the solution is found in the previous level of the pyramid. If we try to correct our children without implementing the principles ourselves, through our own way of being, our words will fall flat. While we will surely, as parents and humans, make mistakes, our children will watch and learn from those as well in the way we react and adjust our lives to do and be better.
These are such wonderful tools and reminders to us as parents that much of what happens in our relationships and homes stems from us. The question, "Am I contributing or contaminating?" can easily be answered by taking inventory of our own personal parenting pyramid and strengthening the areas we stand in need of. It returns most of the control and responsibility back to us as parents, so it's important to remember our children are impressionable: Wet Cement!
References
Arbinger Company (1998). The Parenting Pyramid (Article) The Arbinger Company
Ginott, Haim G. (2003). Between the Parent and Child (p. 192-202) Three Rivers Press
Comments
Post a Comment